I Haven't Written a Blog in Two Years... and THIS???

So... logging in two years later...  Wow.  What. A. Slacker.

I bumped into a sweet little lady recently who asked me if I ever "wrote" anymore.  I honestly didn't know what she meant until she said the word "blog".  Then I probably made a face (because, ya know, I just unconsciously do that sort of thing) and replied that I had not in a long, long time.  Turns out, this lady actually liked the things I've written in the past and was complimenting me.  I log into my Blogger app on my phone and see that the last thing I wrote was about 2 years ago, and ironically, if I were to sit down and write something relevant to my life today, it would be on the exact same subject.  What does that say about my life in the past 2 years?  Have I accomplished nothing?  Am I still fighting the same battles?  Yes and No.  I have made amazing strides in a lot of areas... but I still am God's work in progress and fully know and acknowledge that.  I'm pretty sure if I live to be 99, I will still be able to sing the old song "He's Still Workin' On Me".  Oh well... I think that just means I'm human, trying and wanting to always be better and striving for a higher level of achievement in everything I do.  Ironically, a lot has been going on in my life lately and I've been working on a list of things I have GOT to work on for my mental well being... Tell me what is at the top of your list as a "work in progress"...

Miracle of the Moment...

A really funny thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago at the beach.  Our girls are not shy.  This is not a secret.  I was out "riding the waves" with them when a little boy approached us.  He was alone but his parents were on the shore setting up a tent for the day.  He began to listen to the girls conversation about having "boyfriends".  He came over and started talking to us and said "Don't you think you are too young to talk about dating and having a boyfriend?  I'm 9.  You should at LEAST get to my age before you have to start thinking about that stuff."  I had to suppress laughing out loud.  I asked him if 9 was the age you had to worry about that. He replied by telling me that yes, you had to start thinking about it around 9 because you have to decide on someone to marry by the time you are 18.  I wondered at this point if I was talking to just a goofy kid or a poor victim of some strange religious cult or something!  The girls enjoyed challenging him on everything he was saying... that they DID have boyfriends and they DO go on dates, etc.  I just sat back and watched it all unfold so hilariously!  The little boy told me you have to decide and make a good decision by the age of 18 so that you won't get divorced later and "mess your life up".  I told him I agreed with him... that good decisions were very important but that if you do mess up, you can still move on and have lots of happiness and a great life, with the right mindset of course.  After that, because I had absolutely NO IDEA where this child's ideas came from, I turned back to the girls and their silly talk of princes and castles and happy ever afters.  All of our kids have unique situations.  I've mentioned that many times before.  Stan and I talk so often about missed opportunities, bad decisions, and life choices and where they lead us.  We've known each other since elementary school.  It would be easy to dwell on thoughts like "why didn't we get together then?", "why did we have to go down different paths to get here?" or any other thing that could be thought of.  I don't know the reason why, but I know there is a reason our lives fall into place as they do.  We can have regrets, we can have a painful past, we can have the experiences of broken marriages and loss and everything in between... but what matters is NOW. What matters is today.  This moment.  It's all we can do anything about.  The time spent in the misery of the past matters not.  What matters is now.  My wish and my hope for anyone living with doubt about their past is that they could have the gift I get every single day.  Stan tells me constantly that the past 2.5 years with me has been more fulfilling than his prior 36 years combined.  That is a blessing to hear and a testament to the fact that it is never too late to live your happily ever after.  So, after all of those thoughts over the random conversation with an unknown child at the beach that day, my mind went to this song, which is SO old now... Steven Curtis Chapman has always spoken to me through his music. So let's all focus on the miracle of the moment...Breathe it in and breathe it out... Listen to your heartbeat... and look forward to the moments ahead.  For the moments behind us are behind us for a reason... The moments ahead are the ones most worthwhile.  For some of us, it just takes us longer to figure all of it out.  

Miracle of the Moment
Steven Curtis Chapman


It's time for letting go 
All of our "if onlies" 
Cause we don't have a time machine 

And even if we did 
Would we really want to use it 
Would we really want to go change everything 

Cause we are who and where and what we are for now 
And this is the only moment we can do anything about 

So breathe it in and breathe it out 
And listen to your heartbeat 
There's a wonder in the here and now 
It's right there in front of you 
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment 

There's only One who knows 
What's really out there waiting 
And all the moments yet to be 
And all we need to know 
Is He's out there waiting 
To Him the future's history 

And He has given us a treasure called right now 
And this is the only moment we can do anything about 

So breathe it in and breathe it out 
And listen to your heartbeat 
There's a wonder in the here and now 
It's right there in front of you 
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment 

And if it brings you tears 
Then taste them as they fall 
Let them soften your heart 

And if it brings you laughter 
Then throw your head back 
And let it go 
Let it go, yeah 
You gotta let it go 

And listen to your heartbeat 

And breathe it in and breathe it out 
And listen to your heartbeat 
There's a wonder in the here and now 
It's right there in front of you 
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment 

And breathe it in and breathe it out 
And listen to your heartbeat 
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you 
And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

Lowering Our Expectations May be the Key to Increased Happiness...

People who know me best know that I have a serious love for psychology, counseling and all forms of "self-help"... I think far too many people are prideful when it comes to these things.  They feel like they are a failure in some way for seeking help or taking medication to help them cope.  As a psychology major at GSU, some of my happiest moments came from the things I learned there, the hands on training in that field and the volunteer opportunities and internships I was able to do during that time to walk with people in various stages of struggle.  I worked with children, the elderly, the very unfortunate, the substance abusers, the mentally ill, and lots of things in between.  I have always had the helping heart, the people pleasing heart, the heart full of too much expectation.  About 2 and a half years ago, after experiencing a lot of unexpected change in my life, I sought professional help. My desire was to do right by everyone at that time and I was completely consumed by it.  I was concerned about my children and the life-changing events that had already had to endure at such a young age.  I wanted to please everyone and do right by everyone and ultimately realized that I wasn't pleasing myself.  I was taking on the burdens of the world and not letting anyone help me in that walk.  I have continued a relationship with my doctor consistently during this time and he has helped me tremendously.  I'm not going to publicly acknowledge him here for privacy reasons but if anyone in our area needs a therapist, I will be happy to talk to you and recommend my doctor.  He is beyond wonderful and has been such an eye-opening presence in my life.

Today, I went for a regularly scheduled session and we talked about the normal, repetitive things for a few minutes...How's the family?  How is your thyroid issue?  Sleeping well?  Blah blah blah... The usual.  As we delved into some of the issues I have been having over the past few months, he hit me with a tough dose of truth, which he is known for doing.  MY EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS IS TOO HIGH.  Wow.  Boom.  Slapped with the truth backhand!  I know that he is right.  1000%.  But how can I change my level of expectation with other people?  His words were that the lower our expectations of others can be, the happier we can be.  How true is this? How easily I can embrace those words with open arms!  My mind can do that... sadly, my heart and emotions cannot.  The bottom line I guess is that we can try as hard as we want to "fix" situations or help others, but if they don't view what they are doing as a problem, they will never see it...and I CANNOT MAKE THEM SEE IT.  There are so many sayings and quotes about this stuff... Here are a few of my favorites...

So... One can know and understand that expecting too much of other people around you is an immediate sentence to chronic disappointment.  My question is... How do we STOP having expectations?  How can we respect others who just aren't wired like we are?  How can we stop being irritated by the fact that no matter how many times you give a person a chance, they still take the road underneath you with no remorse?  It's a constant struggle for me.  I am by no means a perfect person. I've never made a claim to that!  However, I WANT to live up to people's positive expectations.  Is there anything wrong with that?  I WANT to be a person people can depend on.  I WANT people to feel peace and harmony.  Everyone deserves that... So my new mission in life is to STOP EXPECTING.  I will continue to have expectations of my immediate family, my husband, my children... but will try to have no more expectations of people in my life who honestly in the grand scheme of things probably just don't matter that much.  I have to remember that just because my heart looks for ways to do things peacefully and with little conflict, some people thrive on the opposite. That is their issue, not mine.  Just because I try to look for fairness for all, some people will never think that others deserve fairness.  I try to treat the janitor like the CEO... some people will not.  So friends, my hope is that I can overcome this crime of expectation.  It won't be an easy road, but hopefully will bring me more happiness on a daily basis.  I have an amazing family and so much to be thankful for. I must learn to never set myself up for disappointment in putting my hope in other people in any way.  If anyone has tips to share on how to conquer this, I would LOVE to hear them! 

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!   

Shout Out to the Good Fathers in the World...

I am going to TRY to make this not sound like a rant... Not sure how successful I will be in that.  But I want to take a few moments to give a shout out to all the good dads on the planet.  Lord knows you don't get commended enough for being good.  Divorce occurs and automatically men are considered to be the inferior parent.  It happens far too often.  Being married to one AMAZING father to ALL of our blended family of children has shed so much light on this for me.  Men are not all created equal. Just because two adults no longer want to be together and make each other miserable does NOT mean that the dad is automatically the one in the wrong.

I'm going to get a little bit personal here... Moms, check yourselves.  Unless your husband is abusive to the child you both created or basically a "deadbeat", this applies to you.  When you are the one who chose divorce and filed that paperwork, you truly made a life changing decision.  Just because you gave birth to this child doesn't mean you have full control over them every moment...that you can control and manipulate them and mold them to be a little "mini you".  That is called the Golden Uterus Complex and you should totally Google that sometime and read up on that.  You are not entitled to every birthday, every holiday, every school party and every special moment in their lives. There will be things you miss. Sorry.  Get over it.  I've been doing it for years and you would probably do yourself a favor to find something else to obsess over for the next few years. You will survive.  You chose this, remember?  Unless you are the 2nd woman in history to have an immaculate conception occur (and you are not), then that man you love to badmouth all over town helped create that child genetically.  That child would not be here were it not for him too.  He was good enough for you then, let him be good for his child now. His ability to be a wonderful father didn't change because he stopped loving you.

I keep seeing this blog being shared everywhere called "An Open letter to the Father Who Won't Pay Child Support".  I cringe EVERY time I see someone share it.  I realize that there are deadbeat dads out there... And if they don't want to see their children and don't want to pay child support, that certainly all applies to them.  However, there are many situations where this issue is completely the opposite.  But that isn't important if you go searching the web... There isn't much that is too encouraging for the good dads of the world.  Where is the open letter to the dads paying PLENTY (if not too much) of child support, fighting for more time with their children and still never being given the credit that is due and basically being raped and controlled by the separation agreement from the marriage they don't even care to remember?   Pay, pay, pay, money, money, money... but don't have an opinion because it doesn't matter... I will do what I want anyway.  It's a very broken system that needs to be fixed.  All men aren't deadbeats.  I'm a woman and I'm tired of the divorced women of the world whining over every little thing when it comes to these situations. You make us strong women look bad.  I live with this from both directions... I, too, was once that woman who filed for divorce.  I've suffered through holidays and birthdays without seeing my child.  I never put her in strange situations at school, dance or any other place where she had to feel awkward because both parents were there and she was going to feel torn.  I've tried to share those moments with her dad and even divide them up fairly when it's been necessary.   I've never tried to put her dad down to her and have done nothing but encourage their relationship.  Why would I do anything different?  That would only hurt her or cause her to resent me later down the road.  Do her dad and I agree on everything?  No way... most married couples don't so that's not like some crazy red flag or anything that divorced people don't always agree!  We just don't do drama.  We don't argue.  We don't communicate unless necessary and concerning her.  We are amicable.  There is really no room for being any other way.  It's just too exhausting.  I have respect for him, his household, his wife and his stepson.  They are what makes her home a home when she is there and I have nothing but respect for that.  And yes, you read that right... my child has a stepmom.  And guess what?  I'm not at all threatened by that.  She is helping raise her in that home and all girls need motherly figures in their life.  Her dad respects my household, my husband and the other children in my home.  It can work and will benefit everyone involved if you embrace a similar attitude.  You don't have to love the whole situation to be respectful and dignified.  Life isn't perfect. Get your head out of the clouds and deal with it.  The sooner, the better.

So... the moral to this little-blog-entry-turned-small-rant... All fathers are not created equal.  Women, if your children's dad is truly a deadbeat who won't pay child support, treats your child badly, or is just generally absent in their life... by all means, do what you have to do to do right by those children. However, if your children's father is fighting for more time with them, doesn't miss that monthly payment to you and is an active figure in their life...well, just be grateful.  Take a moment to count your blessings that your child won't have to wonder who their father is, or why they were abandoned by them, or what they did wrong to grow up without their dad being an active presence in their life. Too many mothers would love to switch places with you and experience that.  Swallow your pride and let them parent equally if they deserve to do so. Stop letting the biased opinion of the world and the courts against fathers cloud your opinion.  Every dad deserves to stand alone and not be judged by a generalized negative stereotype.  So... Dads doing your very best, I see you.  I respect you.  And I hope that someday the system will be fixed and you will be able to spend more equal time with your children if you wish to... and not just be a monthly check coming in and the occasional weekend babysitter.  You deserve better.

A List of Things that Will Make People Talk About You Behind Your Back (and it’s probably ok in these situations if you are doing this stuff…)

1. If you call in sick to work but spend all day on Facebook sharing recipes, liking posts and   commenting on peoples’ pictures, people will talk about you.
2. If you share someone’s Facebook post when you are not friends with them and then immediately delete it because you did it by accident while stalking them, people will talk about you. (and yes, you are CAUGHT)
3. If you sit or hang around too closely with your ex husband or ex wife out in public, despite the fact they are completely ignoring you, people will talk about you.
4. If you spend more hours daily in the bathroom and/or kitchen of your workplace than you do at your desk, people will talk about you.
5. If you are dressing like you’re 18 when clearly you’re past 40, people will talk about you.  (and trust me, I'm pushing that age myself so I think I'm ok in saying that!)
6. If you get up in church and walk in and out more than once, people will talk about you (and perhaps believe you have bladder or gastrointestinal issues.)
7. If you still have pictures of your ex husband or ex wife on social media, people will talk about you. When people see that, you look like you have clearly not moved on or are holding on to some sad world that didn’t work out for you.  And don’t think people won’t report these weirdnesses to your ex (or even their new spouse).  People are really weirded out by this… and for good reason.  It’s weird and sad.  Enough said.
8. If you are always broke, mooching off your mommy and daddy who are now pretty much elderly, while your children continue to wear designer clothes and attend private school, people will talk about you.
9. If you are perfectly capable of doing something for yourself but let someone else do it for you, you will be considered lazy and yes, people will talk about you.
10. If you try to invite people to church/social gatherings/parties because of “who they are”, people will talk about you.  Treat the CEO and the janitor the same.  Did your parents teach you nothing?
11. If you are squeezing into a small t shirt when clearly you need a large, people will talk about you.  (This same principle also applies to leggings – be careful, people.)
12. If you leave the restroom and people know you have not washed your hands thoroughly, with soap, people will talk about you.
13. If someone deletes you from their Facebook account and you continue to send them new friend requests over and over, people will talk about you.  Stop.  Clearly the friendship is no longer desired. Get over it.  It’s ok.  You probably didn’t have their phone number in real life anyway.  No major loss, is it?
14. If you are a salaried employee who works a 3 day week and takes 2 hour lunches every day, people will talk about you.
15. If you are perfectly capable of working and choose to stay home while your children all are on Medicaid and you are living way beyond your means, people will talk about you.  They smell a rat.  (and they are probably right)
16. If you are running for public office, people will talk about you.  No skeletons or negative things there?  No worries… they will make something up.
17. If you put out “unspoken prayer requests”, people will talk about you.  It’s not that you are doing anything wrong, but you are asking people to pray but they don’t know what they are supposed to pray for, which makes that job a little bit difficult for some people.  It also leads people’s minds down a dark path, envisioning that the absolute worst possible thing might be wrong and is viewed by many people as an overall attention seeking tool.  If you need prayer, go ahead and put out a general prayer request for what you need it for.  You don’t have to be super specific, but please make sure people don’t immediately think you are dying.  This can also start a lot of unnecessary talk behind your back as others talk amongst themselves to try to figure out what’s wrong.  (Side note & the main reason for #17:  A good friend and I have had this conversation many times.  She put out an unspoken prayer request when her mom was ill.  By the next day, half of Statesboro was saying her husband had left her for another woman. Pretty sure it took them about 2 years to get that out of everyone’s heads!)
18. If you run your floor heater in the summer time at work, people will talk about you, lovingly of course.  (Wink Wink to my dear co-workers who tolerate my extreme cold intolerance!)
19. If you leave your coffee creamer on the counter for more than 5 minutes, your co-workers will talk about you (and pour it out!).  That one is just for you Donna Johnson….
20. And last but not least, no matter what you do, what kind of happy life you are living, people will talk about you.

Plain and simple.  People are always going to talk about others.  Period.  Nothing you can do about it and why bother?  You won’t change people and you can’t force others to stop doing things that annoy you.  You can be living the happiest, boring life ever and people will still find something to say.  I could write a book on the things I hear every day from people!  However, some people sometimes need reminders to stop being weird and stop doing weirdish things to draw negative attention to themselves.  That’s good, free advice right there!  Have a great week everyone!!

P.S.  If you are offended by this post, forgive me.  It wasn’t intended to be offensive.  It was really intended to be funny.  But if somehow you are offended by it, go ahead and talk about it.  I’m ok with that. :)

When Someone Makes Your Day and Doesn't Even Know It...

This week has been particularly rough for a variety of reasons that I'm not going to name.  Many of you saw my Facebook post yesterday about Sara's injury... It certainly wasn't anything life threatening, but it was bad and sure took the wind out of my sails yesterday.  I spent all day today in a class on mental health aid and by 4:45 when the class adjourned, I was nothing short of exhausted and found myself so thankful the week was finally over!  Stan had picked all 3 of the girls up from school and they had been home doing "projects".  I was pulling into Pittman Park to pick Liam up when my phone vibrated.  I looked down and could see the message was a lengthy one.  My first thought was "what in the world could this be now?!?", based on the week we've had!   I picked up my phone and saw it was from Autumn, a dear sweet dance friend who we feel like is a part of our family.  I sat in my car and read the message in the parking lot at the church and tears just flowed down my cheeks and onto my phone.  Rarely in a world that is often cruel for blended families like ours, does someone step up and recognize that what is going on with your family is beautiful in their eyes.  Rarely does someone outside of your family take the time to tell you that you are doing it right and that your life is exactly how and where it should be.  Rarely can adults see this, much less a high school senior who is wise beyond her years.  Thank you, Autumn Jordan, for being a bright light in not only my day, but my whole week...  Your words touched me (and Stan too) very deeply and I thank you for being a supporter of our blended family.  We share a special journey and I'm glad people like you are a part of my life.  If everyone could practice that same kindness and encouragement, what a better world we would have.  I am so thankful for the love in our family every waking moment.  I'm glad it shines so brightly that others can see it.  

I asked Autumn if it was ok to share this message and she said that it was...  Thankful for this sweet, beautiful spirit... and happy to have her as a special friend and adopted member of the Akins/Bradley/Hutchens Crew!  

Life Lessons are Everywhere...

Today I witnessed something extra special while having lunch with some family members at Cracker Barrel.  An older couple came in and were seated right behind us, sort of in a corner… I noticed the man requested this table and quickly realized why that probably was.  They looked to be in their 80s.  He was holding on to his wife’s arm and helping her to the table.  He pulled out the chair for her like a true gentleman.  She sat down and he was helping her get scooted up towards the table when she began to fuss at him loudly to stop and leave her alone.  She even swatted at him once.  He held his hands up as if waving a white flag and said ok.  By this time, half of the restaurant was looking in their direction to see what was going on.  They sat down and she took her purse and put it down on the floor beside her and folded her arms with the most disgusted look on her face.  He imitated her a couple of times, by crossing his arms and making the same face at her, but always returning to his sincere smile. She picked her purse up and pulled out a wallet.  She pulled playing cards out of the spots where credit cards, drivers licenses or insurance cards should probably be and proceeded to shuffle through them over and over again.  The look on her face was a look of total misery and confusion, yet he never let his smile escape from his face. This went on for probably 15 minutes.  The waitress had come and asked if they were having their usual chicken pot pie and seemed like she knew them well.  I knew right away what this situation was.  She has Alzheimers. 

I worked in the world of long term care for several years when I first got out of college.  I know all the signs and also know the pain family members endure when the relationship is forever changed by that disease.  As a social service director at a nursing home, I watched families endure the pain day in and day out.  It’s one of the most heart wrenching diseases to me.  I watched husbands and wives no longer recognize each other.  I watched parents scream at their children to get out of their room, that they did not know them.  It was a daily struggle to keep it together through a work day when all you wanted to do was comfort people who were hurting from the affects of it.

Just before their food arrived, she had not spoken one word to him but continued with her distressed facial expression, thumbing through her playing cards.  He spoke loudly because, let’s face it, they are probably both a little hard of hearing at their age… so I was able to hear much of what he was saying to her.  I was truly touched.  He reached over and held his hand out to her across the table.  She acted at first like it was an aggravation to her, then reluctantly put her hand in his.  His smile widened and he said “You know how much I love you, right?... and I’m so proud of you.”  She didn’t say a word, just nodded her head yes and went back to shuffling through the contents of her wallet.  I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I couldn’t stop watching this testament of real, lifelong love unfolding before my very eyes.  

All kinds of thoughts went through my mind, but mostly that I hope to be blessed like that when I grow old.  I hope Stan is there to reach his hand out to me, or me to him, to have a fleeting moment of normalcy should one of us fall victim to this disease.  I hope both of us will be able to show that kind of grace, mercy and selfless love towards each other, no matter what our situation will be.  People today think they have problems?  Try talking to this man with the sweet smile… He will probably make you think otherwise pretty quick.  Or he might just tell you how great his life is.

I asked the waitress to bring me their ticket and she did.  I watched his smile widen again when he asked for the check and she told him someone had paid for their meal.  It was literally NOTHING, but seemed like the only thing I could do in that moment.  Sometimes practicing kindness to a stranger is all we can do… I just had to do something for these sweet strangers who affected me in a way they will never even be aware of.  Life’s lessons are everywhere… sometimes we just have to be at the right place at the right time and observe... and open our hearts.