Lowering Our Expectations May be the Key to Increased Happiness...

People who know me best know that I have a serious love for psychology, counseling and all forms of "self-help"... I think far too many people are prideful when it comes to these things.  They feel like they are a failure in some way for seeking help or taking medication to help them cope.  As a psychology major at GSU, some of my happiest moments came from the things I learned there, the hands on training in that field and the volunteer opportunities and internships I was able to do during that time to walk with people in various stages of struggle.  I worked with children, the elderly, the very unfortunate, the substance abusers, the mentally ill, and lots of things in between.  I have always had the helping heart, the people pleasing heart, the heart full of too much expectation.  About 2 and a half years ago, after experiencing a lot of unexpected change in my life, I sought professional help. My desire was to do right by everyone at that time and I was completely consumed by it.  I was concerned about my children and the life-changing events that had already had to endure at such a young age.  I wanted to please everyone and do right by everyone and ultimately realized that I wasn't pleasing myself.  I was taking on the burdens of the world and not letting anyone help me in that walk.  I have continued a relationship with my doctor consistently during this time and he has helped me tremendously.  I'm not going to publicly acknowledge him here for privacy reasons but if anyone in our area needs a therapist, I will be happy to talk to you and recommend my doctor.  He is beyond wonderful and has been such an eye-opening presence in my life.

Today, I went for a regularly scheduled session and we talked about the normal, repetitive things for a few minutes...How's the family?  How is your thyroid issue?  Sleeping well?  Blah blah blah... The usual.  As we delved into some of the issues I have been having over the past few months, he hit me with a tough dose of truth, which he is known for doing.  MY EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS IS TOO HIGH.  Wow.  Boom.  Slapped with the truth backhand!  I know that he is right.  1000%.  But how can I change my level of expectation with other people?  His words were that the lower our expectations of others can be, the happier we can be.  How true is this? How easily I can embrace those words with open arms!  My mind can do that... sadly, my heart and emotions cannot.  The bottom line I guess is that we can try as hard as we want to "fix" situations or help others, but if they don't view what they are doing as a problem, they will never see it...and I CANNOT MAKE THEM SEE IT.  There are so many sayings and quotes about this stuff... Here are a few of my favorites...

So... One can know and understand that expecting too much of other people around you is an immediate sentence to chronic disappointment.  My question is... How do we STOP having expectations?  How can we respect others who just aren't wired like we are?  How can we stop being irritated by the fact that no matter how many times you give a person a chance, they still take the road underneath you with no remorse?  It's a constant struggle for me.  I am by no means a perfect person. I've never made a claim to that!  However, I WANT to live up to people's positive expectations.  Is there anything wrong with that?  I WANT to be a person people can depend on.  I WANT people to feel peace and harmony.  Everyone deserves that... So my new mission in life is to STOP EXPECTING.  I will continue to have expectations of my immediate family, my husband, my children... but will try to have no more expectations of people in my life who honestly in the grand scheme of things probably just don't matter that much.  I have to remember that just because my heart looks for ways to do things peacefully and with little conflict, some people thrive on the opposite. That is their issue, not mine.  Just because I try to look for fairness for all, some people will never think that others deserve fairness.  I try to treat the janitor like the CEO... some people will not.  So friends, my hope is that I can overcome this crime of expectation.  It won't be an easy road, but hopefully will bring me more happiness on a daily basis.  I have an amazing family and so much to be thankful for. I must learn to never set myself up for disappointment in putting my hope in other people in any way.  If anyone has tips to share on how to conquer this, I would LOVE to hear them! 

Hope everyone has a great rest of the week!   

Shout Out to the Good Fathers in the World...

I am going to TRY to make this not sound like a rant... Not sure how successful I will be in that.  But I want to take a few moments to give a shout out to all the good dads on the planet.  Lord knows you don't get commended enough for being good.  Divorce occurs and automatically men are considered to be the inferior parent.  It happens far too often.  Being married to one AMAZING father to ALL of our blended family of children has shed so much light on this for me.  Men are not all created equal. Just because two adults no longer want to be together and make each other miserable does NOT mean that the dad is automatically the one in the wrong.

I'm going to get a little bit personal here... Moms, check yourselves.  Unless your husband is abusive to the child you both created or basically a "deadbeat", this applies to you.  When you are the one who chose divorce and filed that paperwork, you truly made a life changing decision.  Just because you gave birth to this child doesn't mean you have full control over them every moment...that you can control and manipulate them and mold them to be a little "mini you".  That is called the Golden Uterus Complex and you should totally Google that sometime and read up on that.  You are not entitled to every birthday, every holiday, every school party and every special moment in their lives. There will be things you miss. Sorry.  Get over it.  I've been doing it for years and you would probably do yourself a favor to find something else to obsess over for the next few years. You will survive.  You chose this, remember?  Unless you are the 2nd woman in history to have an immaculate conception occur (and you are not), then that man you love to badmouth all over town helped create that child genetically.  That child would not be here were it not for him too.  He was good enough for you then, let him be good for his child now. His ability to be a wonderful father didn't change because he stopped loving you.

I keep seeing this blog being shared everywhere called "An Open letter to the Father Who Won't Pay Child Support".  I cringe EVERY time I see someone share it.  I realize that there are deadbeat dads out there... And if they don't want to see their children and don't want to pay child support, that certainly all applies to them.  However, there are many situations where this issue is completely the opposite.  But that isn't important if you go searching the web... There isn't much that is too encouraging for the good dads of the world.  Where is the open letter to the dads paying PLENTY (if not too much) of child support, fighting for more time with their children and still never being given the credit that is due and basically being raped and controlled by the separation agreement from the marriage they don't even care to remember?   Pay, pay, pay, money, money, money... but don't have an opinion because it doesn't matter... I will do what I want anyway.  It's a very broken system that needs to be fixed.  All men aren't deadbeats.  I'm a woman and I'm tired of the divorced women of the world whining over every little thing when it comes to these situations. You make us strong women look bad.  I live with this from both directions... I, too, was once that woman who filed for divorce.  I've suffered through holidays and birthdays without seeing my child.  I never put her in strange situations at school, dance or any other place where she had to feel awkward because both parents were there and she was going to feel torn.  I've tried to share those moments with her dad and even divide them up fairly when it's been necessary.   I've never tried to put her dad down to her and have done nothing but encourage their relationship.  Why would I do anything different?  That would only hurt her or cause her to resent me later down the road.  Do her dad and I agree on everything?  No way... most married couples don't so that's not like some crazy red flag or anything that divorced people don't always agree!  We just don't do drama.  We don't argue.  We don't communicate unless necessary and concerning her.  We are amicable.  There is really no room for being any other way.  It's just too exhausting.  I have respect for him, his household, his wife and his stepson.  They are what makes her home a home when she is there and I have nothing but respect for that.  And yes, you read that right... my child has a stepmom.  And guess what?  I'm not at all threatened by that.  She is helping raise her in that home and all girls need motherly figures in their life.  Her dad respects my household, my husband and the other children in my home.  It can work and will benefit everyone involved if you embrace a similar attitude.  You don't have to love the whole situation to be respectful and dignified.  Life isn't perfect. Get your head out of the clouds and deal with it.  The sooner, the better.

So... the moral to this little-blog-entry-turned-small-rant... All fathers are not created equal.  Women, if your children's dad is truly a deadbeat who won't pay child support, treats your child badly, or is just generally absent in their life... by all means, do what you have to do to do right by those children. However, if your children's father is fighting for more time with them, doesn't miss that monthly payment to you and is an active figure in their life...well, just be grateful.  Take a moment to count your blessings that your child won't have to wonder who their father is, or why they were abandoned by them, or what they did wrong to grow up without their dad being an active presence in their life. Too many mothers would love to switch places with you and experience that.  Swallow your pride and let them parent equally if they deserve to do so. Stop letting the biased opinion of the world and the courts against fathers cloud your opinion.  Every dad deserves to stand alone and not be judged by a generalized negative stereotype.  So... Dads doing your very best, I see you.  I respect you.  And I hope that someday the system will be fixed and you will be able to spend more equal time with your children if you wish to... and not just be a monthly check coming in and the occasional weekend babysitter.  You deserve better.

A List of Things that Will Make People Talk About You Behind Your Back (and it’s probably ok in these situations if you are doing this stuff…)

1. If you call in sick to work but spend all day on Facebook sharing recipes, liking posts and   commenting on peoples’ pictures, people will talk about you.
2. If you share someone’s Facebook post when you are not friends with them and then immediately delete it because you did it by accident while stalking them, people will talk about you. (and yes, you are CAUGHT)
3. If you sit or hang around too closely with your ex husband or ex wife out in public, despite the fact they are completely ignoring you, people will talk about you.
4. If you spend more hours daily in the bathroom and/or kitchen of your workplace than you do at your desk, people will talk about you.
5. If you are dressing like you’re 18 when clearly you’re past 40, people will talk about you.  (and trust me, I'm pushing that age myself so I think I'm ok in saying that!)
6. If you get up in church and walk in and out more than once, people will talk about you (and perhaps believe you have bladder or gastrointestinal issues.)
7. If you still have pictures of your ex husband or ex wife on social media, people will talk about you. When people see that, you look like you have clearly not moved on or are holding on to some sad world that didn’t work out for you.  And don’t think people won’t report these weirdnesses to your ex (or even their new spouse).  People are really weirded out by this… and for good reason.  It’s weird and sad.  Enough said.
8. If you are always broke, mooching off your mommy and daddy who are now pretty much elderly, while your children continue to wear designer clothes and attend private school, people will talk about you.
9. If you are perfectly capable of doing something for yourself but let someone else do it for you, you will be considered lazy and yes, people will talk about you.
10. If you try to invite people to church/social gatherings/parties because of “who they are”, people will talk about you.  Treat the CEO and the janitor the same.  Did your parents teach you nothing?
11. If you are squeezing into a small t shirt when clearly you need a large, people will talk about you.  (This same principle also applies to leggings – be careful, people.)
12. If you leave the restroom and people know you have not washed your hands thoroughly, with soap, people will talk about you.
13. If someone deletes you from their Facebook account and you continue to send them new friend requests over and over, people will talk about you.  Stop.  Clearly the friendship is no longer desired. Get over it.  It’s ok.  You probably didn’t have their phone number in real life anyway.  No major loss, is it?
14. If you are a salaried employee who works a 3 day week and takes 2 hour lunches every day, people will talk about you.
15. If you are perfectly capable of working and choose to stay home while your children all are on Medicaid and you are living way beyond your means, people will talk about you.  They smell a rat.  (and they are probably right)
16. If you are running for public office, people will talk about you.  No skeletons or negative things there?  No worries… they will make something up.
17. If you put out “unspoken prayer requests”, people will talk about you.  It’s not that you are doing anything wrong, but you are asking people to pray but they don’t know what they are supposed to pray for, which makes that job a little bit difficult for some people.  It also leads people’s minds down a dark path, envisioning that the absolute worst possible thing might be wrong and is viewed by many people as an overall attention seeking tool.  If you need prayer, go ahead and put out a general prayer request for what you need it for.  You don’t have to be super specific, but please make sure people don’t immediately think you are dying.  This can also start a lot of unnecessary talk behind your back as others talk amongst themselves to try to figure out what’s wrong.  (Side note & the main reason for #17:  A good friend and I have had this conversation many times.  She put out an unspoken prayer request when her mom was ill.  By the next day, half of Statesboro was saying her husband had left her for another woman. Pretty sure it took them about 2 years to get that out of everyone’s heads!)
18. If you run your floor heater in the summer time at work, people will talk about you, lovingly of course.  (Wink Wink to my dear co-workers who tolerate my extreme cold intolerance!)
19. If you leave your coffee creamer on the counter for more than 5 minutes, your co-workers will talk about you (and pour it out!).  That one is just for you Donna Johnson….
20. And last but not least, no matter what you do, what kind of happy life you are living, people will talk about you.

Plain and simple.  People are always going to talk about others.  Period.  Nothing you can do about it and why bother?  You won’t change people and you can’t force others to stop doing things that annoy you.  You can be living the happiest, boring life ever and people will still find something to say.  I could write a book on the things I hear every day from people!  However, some people sometimes need reminders to stop being weird and stop doing weirdish things to draw negative attention to themselves.  That’s good, free advice right there!  Have a great week everyone!!

P.S.  If you are offended by this post, forgive me.  It wasn’t intended to be offensive.  It was really intended to be funny.  But if somehow you are offended by it, go ahead and talk about it.  I’m ok with that. :)