I am going to TRY to make this not sound like a rant... Not sure how successful I will be in that. But I want to take a few moments to give a shout out to all the good dads on the planet. Lord knows you don't get commended enough for being good. Divorce occurs and automatically men are considered to be the inferior parent. It happens far too often. Being married to one AMAZING father to ALL of our blended family of children has shed so much light on this for me. Men are not all created equal. Just because two adults no longer want to be together and make each other miserable does NOT mean that the dad is automatically the one in the wrong.
I'm going to get a little bit personal here... Moms, check yourselves. Unless your husband is abusive to the child you both created or basically a "deadbeat", this applies to you. When you are the one who chose divorce and filed that paperwork, you truly made a life changing decision. Just because you gave birth to this child doesn't mean you have full control over them every moment...that you can control and manipulate them and mold them to be a little "mini you". That is called the Golden Uterus Complex and you should totally Google that sometime and read up on that. You are not entitled to every birthday, every holiday, every school party and every special moment in their lives. There will be things you miss. Sorry. Get over it. I've been doing it for years and you would probably do yourself a favor to find something else to obsess over for the next few years. You will survive. You chose this, remember? Unless you are the 2nd woman in history to have an immaculate conception occur (and you are not), then that man you love to badmouth all over town helped create that child genetically. That child would not be here were it not for him too. He was good enough for you then, let him be good for his child now. His ability to be a wonderful father didn't change because he stopped loving you.
I keep seeing this blog being shared everywhere called "An Open letter to the Father Who Won't Pay Child Support". I cringe EVERY time I see someone share it. I realize that there are deadbeat dads out there... And if they don't want to see their children and don't want to pay child support, that certainly all applies to them. However, there are many situations where this issue is completely the opposite. But that isn't important if you go searching the web... There isn't much that is too encouraging for the good dads of the world. Where is the open letter to the dads paying PLENTY (if not too much) of child support, fighting for more time with their children and still never being given the credit that is due and basically being raped and controlled by the separation agreement from the marriage they don't even care to remember? Pay, pay, pay, money, money, money... but don't have an opinion because it doesn't matter... I will do what I want anyway. It's a very broken system that needs to be fixed. All men aren't deadbeats. I'm a woman and I'm tired of the divorced women of the world whining over every little thing when it comes to these situations. You make us strong women look bad. I live with this from both directions... I, too, was once that woman who filed for divorce. I've suffered through holidays and birthdays without seeing my child. I never put her in strange situations at school, dance or any other place where she had to feel awkward because both parents were there and she was going to feel torn. I've tried to share those moments with her dad and even divide them up fairly when it's been necessary. I've never tried to put her dad down to her and have done nothing but encourage their relationship. Why would I do anything different? That would only hurt her or cause her to resent me later down the road. Do her dad and I agree on everything? No way... most married couples don't so that's not like some crazy red flag or anything that divorced people don't always agree! We just don't do drama. We don't argue. We don't communicate unless necessary and concerning her. We are amicable. There is really no room for being any other way. It's just too exhausting. I have respect for him, his household, his wife and his stepson. They are what makes her home a home when she is there and I have nothing but respect for that. And yes, you read that right... my child has a stepmom. And guess what? I'm not at all threatened by that. She is helping raise her in that home and all girls need motherly figures in their life. Her dad respects my household, my husband and the other children in my home. It can work and will benefit everyone involved if you embrace a similar attitude. You don't have to love the whole situation to be respectful and dignified. Life isn't perfect. Get your head out of the clouds and deal with it. The sooner, the better.
So... the moral to this little-blog-entry-turned-small-rant... All fathers are not created equal. Women, if your children's dad is truly a deadbeat who won't pay child support, treats your child badly, or is just generally absent in their life... by all means, do what you have to do to do right by those children. However, if your children's father is fighting for more time with them, doesn't miss that monthly payment to you and is an active figure in their life...well, just be grateful. Take a moment to count your blessings that your child won't have to wonder who their father is, or why they were abandoned by them, or what they did wrong to grow up without their dad being an active presence in their life. Too many mothers would love to switch places with you and experience that. Swallow your pride and let them parent equally if they deserve to do so. Stop letting the biased opinion of the world and the courts against fathers cloud your opinion. Every dad deserves to stand alone and not be judged by a generalized negative stereotype. So... Dads doing your very best, I see you. I respect you. And I hope that someday the system will be fixed and you will be able to spend more equal time with your children if you wish to... and not just be a monthly check coming in and the occasional weekend babysitter. You deserve better.
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